Who am I? March 17, 2008

I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love – put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.

~Sarah Teasdale

This poem has been put to music and our choir is working on this piece. When we first received this piece, I, being the wonderful musician I am (haha), was busy paying attention to the intricate details of the work’s musicality. Finally, after a couple days of working on it I really paid attention to the text.

You see, I am seventeen years old. I have so much ahead of me. Beyond getting through the rest of this year and all it has to bring, I am going to start seeing who the “real me” truly is. I need to know my own self before I can fully be anyone elses.

So who am I?
I am April, and I was born in May. I love singing, playing the piano, acting, dancing, (not good at it, but it doesn’t mean I can’t love doing it anyway) being with friends, enjoying these last few months of being at home, the fact I was born in Texas, and doing things for others. A day without laughter is not a good day. My personality is a blue, ISFJ, golden retriever. I am lighthearted and optimistic. I hate conflict. I like having long conversations with people, the kind that really brings your relationship closer. May 20th cannot come soon enough (graduation). I am looking forward to getting married and having a family.

More so than who I am to others, I am so much more because I am someone’s. I am someones who is much more than anyone else. Right now I need to cling who I am in Christ and not worry about anything else. I am not out on my own yet. I am not getting married tomorrow. Before I am pulled and twisted out in the real world, I need to KNOW what I believe and KNOW how I feel on certain issues and KNOW what my goals are. The only one that will pull me completely in the right direction is God. I don’t think I am quite wise enough yet to be able to see from the beginning how people will affect me. Actually, I don’t think anyone is ever able to see that. But God does give us hints and direction on such things.

Good Ole James December 29, 2007

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.
James 3:9-12

The tongue. That awful thing that is so hard to get control of. How many times have I said something and wish it had never even come to mind. We will be judged for everything we say, even those “just kidding” moments. Why do we think we have to say anything in the first place knowing it could potentially be hurtful? To get attention? To sound smart? We can be so ignorant at times act like we know everything about a situation when we don’t even understand half of it. Why is it so important for our opinion to be known? It could really hurt someone and most of the time you don’t even think through what was said. Even in those times of confiding in someone, we should really watch what we say. God is our number one confidant. You don’t have to vent everything to someone when a situation could be misconstrued because there is always “two sides” to a story. So, how can we do such things and then give our highest praise to God? James says it doesn’t work that way.

In James 3, it talks about how a whole massive ship is led by a small rudder and horses by a bit in their mouth; it is the same for us with the tongue. I can seem like an awesome person with my actions and such but I could say two words and ruin my whole reputation! So why do we talk so much?

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

James 3:17-18

Wisdom. It comes from God. Not our own merit. James says this wisdom means that you bear a few different qualities. One of them is impartiality. He likes this theme because he talked about it in the last chapter. We are not to show favoritism. We are to treat everyone the same. That includes the aspect of speech.

My conclusion…I am going to keep my mouth shut unless I have something nice to say. If I need to vent, I will vent to God, so as to not cause my brother to stumble over potentially say something bad about his neighbor. Hey…that’s working on two things…not cursing my brother or making him stumble…yes!

I Stand Amazed November 5, 2007

This morning I had the awesome opportunity to lead worship along with the youth band for our morning services. I have been in the band for somewhere around two years now and with this experience I do not get nervous about singing in front of a crowd anymore. With this God-given comfort I am able to focus on only worshiping Him and not worrying about anything else. As I am growing as a Christian and seeking what God wants to do in my life, I have come to find that it is not about me. That seems kind of obvious now that I have written it but I know I have not always acted that way.
Throughout this past week, as I was preparing for leading worship this morning, I stepped back and reevaluated how I attempt this task. I decided that I need to “own” the songs that I am singing. Once I got the song list from our band leader, I wrote down the words to all of the songs and read and prayed over them. To tell you the truth, at times I just forget what I am singing. Having done this I felt able to worship God honestly.

For His returning we watch and we pray
We will be ready, the dawn of that day
We’ll join in singing with all the redeemed
Satan is vanquished and Jesus is King

Sin has lost it’s power
Death has lost it’s sting
From the grave You’ve risen
Victoriously!

So here I am, all of me
Finally everything
Wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly Yours
I am wholly Yours
I am full of earth and dirt and You

Because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
All fear is gone
Because I know He hold the future
And life is worth the living
Just because He lives

When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see
It will be my joy through the ages
To sing of His love for me

I go through my days focusing on what I need to do and what I want to be and how I want things to be. It just doesn’t work that way. It is not about me. It is about Him and what I can do to honor and glorify Him. He is a loving God and wants the best for me, who am I to try to figure that out for myself? I’m coming back to the heart of worship, and it’s all about you, Jesus.

Here is My Heart, Lord October 20, 2007

Merciful Savior
Gracious Redeemer
Slow in Your anger
Rich in Your love
Full of compassion
Longing to heal and bless
You will forgive all of my sins
If I will confess

Here is my heart, Lord
I lay it open
Search every corner
Cleanse every part
Here is my heart, Lord
Yielded and broken
Merciful Lord, come and restore
Here is my heart

I found this song recently. I have not heard it in a while and I forgot how much I love it. Before I go to school I play it on the piano and sing. I love worshiping God through music. Some say music can deter people from worship or bring a sense of emotion that isn’t from actual worship. This may be true for some; it is not true for me. I can worship God for who He is while being thankful for the talent He has given me. The whole concept of sound is pretty amazing…He created that! God created my brain to be able to play and sing at the same time! God is worthy of my meager attempt to praise Him for who He is. He is worthy of me worshiping Him in anyway I can. I can sing, dance, shout, be quiet, be still, write, draw, pray, vacuum, wash clothes…in and through everything I will worship Him.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.

Mark 12:30

We aren’t to waste any part of our being. Everything is to be used to love the Lord our God. Who are we to use the heart, soul, mind, and strength for anything but glorifying Him? Have to do homework? Have a happy mind and thank God for being in a country where everyone has the chance to be in school. Had a bad day? Remember that we learn the most in the valleys. Don’t understand everything? God gives us the capability of knowing whatever He feels we can handle. Be grateful that He cares about us enough to not give us the big picture of our lives. Feel that you cannot carry on? Remember that He loves us so much that He wants us to come to Him when we are weary and He will give us rest.

The following is Ecclesiastes 3:1-11. I know we are all familiar with this passage, but I challenge you to look at it as though you have never seen it before or heard a Beetles song about it. So many times we scan over things and do not dig deeper into things we are familiar with and there is so much more than what meets the eye at first.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

God is great And His praise
Fills the earth, fills the heavens…
…Cause we’re living for the Glory of Your Name, Glory of Your Name

 

 

 

Success! October 11, 2007

I got my room and car cleaned! And my exponentially growing pile of laundry done!
I love having the house to myself. Not that having my parents in the house is a big deal, but I feel so independent being the only one in the house. The best part is that I have had the most awesome time with God. There are so many different aspects of studying, worship, and praise that I have overlooked before just because of not wanting to bother other inhabitants of the household.

If you don’t mind, I would like to share this experience with you to: possibly give you a new perspective of learning and worship and to share with you my joy in growing in my relationship with Christ. This blog is not to brag about the way I conducted my quiet (or not so quiet) time.

For me, interactive learning sinks in more. Now, I don’t have to play a game or put together a puzzle to do this, but I have to do a little bit more than read to really learn something and store it in my long term memory. In my reading and studying, I read aloud and really let the scripture bury its way into my heart. I prayed aloud, as if talking to a friend sitting in the room with me, yet having the awe and reverence my Savior deserves. The joy of fearing God is great and something to strive for. Satan tries to instill in us the idea that our fear of God is servile-that we are just to fear God like we are his slaves. That is not true at all. We are to fear God out of love. God is a God of wrath, jealousy, and vengeance yet He has redeemed us from that. To be able to stand in awe of God comes from fearing God and knowing what He has done for you. As I studied this I could not remain emotionless. This was another plus of having the house to myself.

As I moved to my own little time of praise and worship, I was able to sing as loud as I wanted, play the piano as loud as I wanted, and dance around however I wanted. That sounded kind of self centered, but it really wasn’t. To feel free in my expression of love, gratitude, praise, thanksgiving, and worship is such a great experience. It also just put me on track for the day of opening my eyes more to the presence of God all around me at all times. We all forget about that. If we were totally aware that Christ is sitting by us when we watch that show, read that book, have that conversation…I think that a lot of things would change.

Worshiping and experiencing God goes way beyond the walls of the house I have had to myself while my parents were at work and I had a break from school. Worshiping God should happen even when I am not having a good day. Worshiping God should happen even when I cannot stand the person who sits next to me in class. When I am tempted to do something I KNOW is wrong. When I cannot find the roots of the quadratic equation. 24/7, everywhere I go, everything I say, everything I do…these are all moments made for worshiping…whether I take advantage of these awesome moments in life or not…

And don’t take the word awesome lightly. It carries much more weight than we give it.